Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I Just Won One Million Dollars! How 'Bout You?

austin powers one million dollars
image from fanpop.com
I just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Uh-huh! That's right! I got an email from the Yahoo Internet Lottery folks that said so. All I have to do to claim my prize is contact my Yahoo Lottery Coordinator Mr. Mark Chang at the regional bank branch office in Bangkok, Thailand. Now granted, I have to give 10% of my winnings to the promotions company, and I have to remit that first in order to claim the rest of my prize, but my goodness, I still get NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Thank you so much Mrs. Boon-nam Sarawart, Vice President of the Yahoo Lottery Organization, for informing me of this fortuitous windfall! I better write this post quickly though because if I don't claim my prize soon, it will be returned to Her Majesty's Department of the Treasury. I don't want that to happen.

This MUST be my lucky day, because I was also contacted by Miss Rita William in Africa. She is the only surviving child of the late Dr. Anthony William and needs my help in getting the $5 million dollars that her late father deposited in a security company in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire. I'm assured that the money is authentic - "there is no criminal origin as it was realized from sales of the alluvial gold dust". Sounds legit to me, being alluvial gold dust and all. I'm so honored and privileged that, out of all the people in the world, Miss William has trusted ME to release the funds to so I can retrieve it for her! I eagerly await further details from her to discuss the terms and percentage of what I will get in return for helping her.

Would it be greedy of me to also help Mrs. Margaret Frank in the United Kingdom? Her story pulls at my heart strings. I received an email from her letting me know that she is dying of cancer of the larynx. On top of all that, she helps orphans in war ravaged Eritrea, Somalia, Sudan, AND some East European countries. The woman is a saint! She wants me to help distribute her last funds of $8.5 MILLION to charity organizations before she dies. She doesn't have any children and her relatives and friends have plundered so much of her wealth since her illness that she can't entrust this huge responsibility to anyone but me. She says I should feel free to reimburse myself with a total of 40% for my assistance, but that seems too generous; maybe I should only take 30%.  She says with desperation, "Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me collect the deeposit and distribute it amongst charity organizations. Since my health is retrogressing by the minute." How could I say no to such a well worded and grammatically creative plea?!? Clearly she needs my help.

Before I can claim my cash fortunes though, I must first respond to an email I received from Wells Fargo bank letting me know that the security on my account has been breached. They insist that I update my password and security information in order to prevent possible theft and they've even provided me with a handy link to do so. Yes, I need to get right on that. Don't want anyone stealing my bank account information, especially since I'm going to have several large deposits of money made into my accounts soon!

Fame and fortune, popularity, and an increased sexual libido all await me if only I had a chance to respond to all these emails. Unfortunately I can't figure some of them out, like this - 研发项目管理中的放弃艺术 - what does that even mean?!? If only I knew. I feel like I'm missing out on something really important.

Or not.

Who falls for this stuff? There must be people in this world who do, otherwise why would scammers continue to inundate us daily with these kinds of emails?

Thank goodness for spam filters.

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